Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
