i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
He told me they were just razor bumps!
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize