so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
