Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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