pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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