Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
