I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
