frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
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