Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
