I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
