God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I want to stick my p in your. b.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
