I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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