worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
