I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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