in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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