Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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