So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize