Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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