Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize