I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
