My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
