I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
