i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize