Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
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