It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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