sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
