I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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