the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
