My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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