She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
