textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
