Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
