Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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