They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
