maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
