my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Randomize
