Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
