I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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