i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
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