Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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