i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
