O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
