Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
