oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
