Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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