Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
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