Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
