4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
