I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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