Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
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