I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
he quoted the bible to break up with me
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
