I hate your face
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
i think my cat just said my name.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
