He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
