Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
