Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
