I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
