You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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