I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
