Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
