I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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