Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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