The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
