He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
