I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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