My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
